Coming alive
I never realized how much I hated myself until I had to look at my picture of my 3 year old self and tell her how much I loved her. To tell her all the things I wish I had heard at that age, in that very moment, of whatever moment of life I was going through. To calm her fears, to tell her she was beautiful, to kiss her boo boo or to explain to her that life wasn't actually fair. Whatever it was that had caused me to think otherwise, I now had to look my 3 year old self in the eyes and tell her that it was okay. That I loved her. That she had been loved and that I could now release and let go of all of the hurt that was caused at that time. The cause was not necessarily important. Healing that moment, time, age of life most definitely was.
I thought of how many times I had told my little 3 year old boy how much I loved him, how much I loved his sweet little cheeks and wanted to just wrap him up and squeeze him, hold him and squish his cute little cheeks. I didn't realize how much I wished I had heard that from my own mother in that moment, until this very moment.
Now before you all start thinking that I'm going to start bashing my mother for not loving me and squeezing me and holding me and loving me and telling me I was beautiful, you're wrong. I have a wonderful mother who sacrificed greatly and has loved me more dearly than I can explain. I simply realized that at some moment, some point in time, I had an emotion that sank deep into my soul that caused me to feel otherwise. An emotion that was not healed, for one or a million other reasons, but that it somehow left a lasting impression. Somehow, it simply got stuck in there and until this moment had never had the opportunity to be released. Maybe I was being selfish or bratty or disobedient. Maybe I was simply sad or frustrated or upset or mad. Whatever the reason, the communication was lost and the emotion was able to stay. And because it was never addressed and released, it stayed and grew, becoming bigger than I intended it to be or even realized until now.
Before you think that my mom was neglectful, keep in mind this happens everyday, in every home around the world. In every family, in every person, in every walk of life. What do I mean? In everyone's life there are moments that we don't love or like or maybe we even hate them. I don't know if I've ever met someone who has been happy with every moment of their childhood or life. And there have been some moments that have been worse than others. This was definitely one of them. The thing is, I don't think my mom even knew about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure she didn't. This was a stressful time of life for her, like any young family with four kids with only 6 years between all of them. She simply didn't know that I was struggling or know how to fix it or help me with it, even if she did know what it was. Or maybe she was just simply exhausted from the everyday challenges that come with everyday life.
So what's my point in all of this? We can do it for ourselves. No one else on earth can help us, force us or make us to feel happy, healed or loved. It is something we choose for ourselves. I wonder if we don't always realize it because as babies we are so naturally open to receiving and soaking in love. And for the most part, it is given fairly unconditionally. As growing children, we then come to expect it. Not a bad thing. However we tend to find that as we grow in age and experience, it might become harder for that love to flow to us as unconditionally as before. We make mistakes, we become less innocent and more aware of our own selfish behaviors and choose not to fix them. As a result we have more and more experiences where emotions have the opportunity to become trapped inside of us. In the case of 4 kids within 6 years of each other, the attention of a mother can become very easily divided, despite her time constrained, exhausted, heartfelt efforts. It simply gets missed. And on a bigger scale, that's part of the plan.
We are not to look to our parents, at least not our earthly parents for every single one of our answers. Sure they lead and guide and walk beside and most importantly have the opportunity to receive revelation for us. However, they are not meant to have ALL of our answers. They are meant to be a type or pattern for us to follow. Not exact steps but teaching us the principles by which to guide our lives. There is only one who can tell us ALL of our answers.
And it's these very moments, the moments of pain and heartache and sorrow that lead us to Him. Those moments that we need help with but no one here can seem to help us with. Those boo boo's that our sweet mom's cannot kiss or hug better no matter how hard they try. Or how many cookies they bake. :)
It's meant for us to seek higher help. My higher help today was to love myself. To go back into my past and look for all of those times I hadn't felt loved, I hadn't felt that appreciation that I desired, that I hadn't felt like I was important enough. And to remind myself that I was. I was loved, because I love me. I was cared about and appreciated because I love and appreciated myself. I am enough because I know I am. Although those may be things I want to hear from my parents or others around me, the truth is, I won't be able to receive them until I believe them for myself. So why not start with me.
I love me. I love who I am. I forgive myself and others for the thoughts and feelings and actions that have caused me to feel otherwise. I release and let go of the hold that they, the thoughts and feelings, have had on me to allow myself to now feel and receive more love. And I do it for me. And I'm allowed to do it because of Him, because of my Savior. Because He loves me, He willingly suffered for me to allow me to release and let go of it into His care. That I won't be subject to take and carry it with me anymore.
For any and all that this might resonate with, I invite you also, to release and let go of those feelings that have a hold on you. I give permission, to those who need it, to do the same. Release those feelings that harbor you and hold you captive. And come alive.
I thought of how many times I had told my little 3 year old boy how much I loved him, how much I loved his sweet little cheeks and wanted to just wrap him up and squeeze him, hold him and squish his cute little cheeks. I didn't realize how much I wished I had heard that from my own mother in that moment, until this very moment.
Now before you all start thinking that I'm going to start bashing my mother for not loving me and squeezing me and holding me and loving me and telling me I was beautiful, you're wrong. I have a wonderful mother who sacrificed greatly and has loved me more dearly than I can explain. I simply realized that at some moment, some point in time, I had an emotion that sank deep into my soul that caused me to feel otherwise. An emotion that was not healed, for one or a million other reasons, but that it somehow left a lasting impression. Somehow, it simply got stuck in there and until this moment had never had the opportunity to be released. Maybe I was being selfish or bratty or disobedient. Maybe I was simply sad or frustrated or upset or mad. Whatever the reason, the communication was lost and the emotion was able to stay. And because it was never addressed and released, it stayed and grew, becoming bigger than I intended it to be or even realized until now.
Before you think that my mom was neglectful, keep in mind this happens everyday, in every home around the world. In every family, in every person, in every walk of life. What do I mean? In everyone's life there are moments that we don't love or like or maybe we even hate them. I don't know if I've ever met someone who has been happy with every moment of their childhood or life. And there have been some moments that have been worse than others. This was definitely one of them. The thing is, I don't think my mom even knew about it. In fact, I'm pretty sure she didn't. This was a stressful time of life for her, like any young family with four kids with only 6 years between all of them. She simply didn't know that I was struggling or know how to fix it or help me with it, even if she did know what it was. Or maybe she was just simply exhausted from the everyday challenges that come with everyday life.
So what's my point in all of this? We can do it for ourselves. No one else on earth can help us, force us or make us to feel happy, healed or loved. It is something we choose for ourselves. I wonder if we don't always realize it because as babies we are so naturally open to receiving and soaking in love. And for the most part, it is given fairly unconditionally. As growing children, we then come to expect it. Not a bad thing. However we tend to find that as we grow in age and experience, it might become harder for that love to flow to us as unconditionally as before. We make mistakes, we become less innocent and more aware of our own selfish behaviors and choose not to fix them. As a result we have more and more experiences where emotions have the opportunity to become trapped inside of us. In the case of 4 kids within 6 years of each other, the attention of a mother can become very easily divided, despite her time constrained, exhausted, heartfelt efforts. It simply gets missed. And on a bigger scale, that's part of the plan.
We are not to look to our parents, at least not our earthly parents for every single one of our answers. Sure they lead and guide and walk beside and most importantly have the opportunity to receive revelation for us. However, they are not meant to have ALL of our answers. They are meant to be a type or pattern for us to follow. Not exact steps but teaching us the principles by which to guide our lives. There is only one who can tell us ALL of our answers.
And it's these very moments, the moments of pain and heartache and sorrow that lead us to Him. Those moments that we need help with but no one here can seem to help us with. Those boo boo's that our sweet mom's cannot kiss or hug better no matter how hard they try. Or how many cookies they bake. :)
It's meant for us to seek higher help. My higher help today was to love myself. To go back into my past and look for all of those times I hadn't felt loved, I hadn't felt that appreciation that I desired, that I hadn't felt like I was important enough. And to remind myself that I was. I was loved, because I love me. I was cared about and appreciated because I love and appreciated myself. I am enough because I know I am. Although those may be things I want to hear from my parents or others around me, the truth is, I won't be able to receive them until I believe them for myself. So why not start with me.
I love me. I love who I am. I forgive myself and others for the thoughts and feelings and actions that have caused me to feel otherwise. I release and let go of the hold that they, the thoughts and feelings, have had on me to allow myself to now feel and receive more love. And I do it for me. And I'm allowed to do it because of Him, because of my Savior. Because He loves me, He willingly suffered for me to allow me to release and let go of it into His care. That I won't be subject to take and carry it with me anymore.
For any and all that this might resonate with, I invite you also, to release and let go of those feelings that have a hold on you. I give permission, to those who need it, to do the same. Release those feelings that harbor you and hold you captive. And come alive.
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